This Ain't No Fairy Tale
by greenikat89
Summary: Everyone knows the story; the princess gets kidnapped and forced to marry the evil villain and then the hero saves the day. Except Remus isn't a princess, the ex-Prince is an idiot and everything just goes to hell. And who said anything about love?


**Disclaimer**: Don't own.

A/N: Well, thought I'd give it another go with HP for a bit as this has been around forever. It's just a little something and depending on people's reactions I might make this a two-shot. It's very, very loosely based on Cinderella (meaning: not that much, at all) but I really like fairy tales. Poor Remus, everything always happens to him. Maybe I'll even do a whole story arc of fairy tales. Who knows, I hope you enjoy nonetheless.

* * *

Remus was scrubbing the Evans' living room walls. Not because he happened to like cleaning, or that he was _forced _to, but because someone had thown smashed pumpkin at his employers' house in the middle of the night. Of course with his luck, the window had been open and the pumpkin bits flew through the window and splattered all over the wall. Remus blamed it on the hooligans that were coming back from the huge party that had been thrown by the royal Potter family in celebration of their son, Prince James.

The brunet snorted and rolled his eyes as he dipped his rag in the bucket again and wrung out the excess. He'd been forced to attend by his best friend Lily as her escort for the royal celebration. Why she couldn't go by herself was a mystery because it wasn't as if he was needed. He had sat around sipping on some pumpkin juice in the corner, trying not to be trampled on by all the other eligible females of Gryffindor country vying to win Prince James' attention.

The entire night was a waste of time and the Prince's best friend, and the former Prince Sirius of Slytherin, kept trying to chat him up. Remus had his suspicions that the black-haired teen had way too much wine to drink by the way he kept calling him 'Moony.' And then for some reason Lily just _had _to leave in a rush at midnight, face flushed and missing certain parts of her attire and absolutely _no_ explanation as to why during the carriage ride home.

Well whatever, that was over with and hopefully that was the last Remus had to deal with that type of nonsense. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't agreed to be the Evans' live in servant for the extra money it made. Going to expensive galas was not part of his job description and Remus had the right mind to ask for a raise.

Just then, there was the sound of horses clattering down the cobbled road and men loudly talking before someone knocked on the door. Rather impatiently too as it continued in a quick beat as if prompting the person inside to hurry up and answer. Remus dropped the rag back into the bucket and wiped his sudsy hands on the frilly pink apron Lily had given him for Christmas as he made his way towards the foyer. The knocking continued insistently and Remus yanked open the door in annoyance.

"May I help you?" the teen asked impatiently, folding his arms across his chest. He regarded that idiot ex-prince from last night with his royal entourage stationed behind him and making a mess over the nicely trimmed yard Remus had just done.

The ex-prince cleared his throat as a royal trumpet sounded as if a bird was taking its last dying breath and Remus raised an eyebrow in question. "ATTENTION FAIR MAIDEN," the ex-prince shouted and Remus winced and took a step back at the level of noise. "I HAVE COME ON BEHALF OF PRICE JAMES." Another royal trumpet sounded, this one was a good imitation of a maimed blue bird, and Remus sighed at the attention he was attracting from the neighbors. No doubt the royal's obnoxious proclamation had woken up his employers and Lily wouldn't be a happy person at having been woken up at the crack of dawn.

The ex-prince continued at a much more ear friendly level and at least that was a little consolation. "I've traveled across the entire country of Gryffindor searching for the fair maiden who would be my best mate's intended."

"Um, I think you're talking to the wrong person," Remus said but the ex-prince plowed on, reading from the parchment that was held up in front of him thus blocking his view of who was standing right in front of him.

"You two danced together at the ball that was held in Jamsie's honor… something, something, something… you left at midnight before he could get your name (nice going James)… blah, blah, blah. Here, put this slipper on and then you two can get hitched," the ex-prince concluded, rolling up the parchment with an official princely snap and handing it off to his advisor.

A delicate high-heeled glass slipped suddenly appeared right in front of Remus' nose that the other teen held. Remus stared at the shoe then at the man holding the shoe and back again. "Come again?" he asked, trying to understand if he had heard correctly.

Prince Sirius had a soppy grin on his face as he held out the glass slipper. "I want you to try it on, and if it fits, that means you were the one he danced with and you guys can start making little James Jr."

Right. So he had heard correctly. "You _do _know there's more than one person with a size eight shoe?" Remus said dryly.

"But not all of them danced with James," the black haired teen stated as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"Ah of course, and trying to find your intended by what they looked like is completely preposterous," Remus murmured sarcastically. The remark seemed to fly right over the other's head as he held out the shoe insistently. The brunette sighed but took the proffered shoe, much to the ex-prince's delight, before the teen threw it right at the ex-prince's head.

"Hey!" Prince Sirius yelped as the shoe connected with his head in a satisfying _thunk_. "You have to try on the shoe, what am I supposed to tell James?" he asked indignantly as he rubbed his head.

"Not my problem," Remus said blandly before he shut the door right in the ex-prince's face. Honestly, basing an important marriage based on shoe size. What an idiot. Remus feared for his country if it was ruled by people like the Prince and wondered if it would be a good idea to move to Hufflepuff County. It was quieter over there but at least they were of sound mind and judgment.

There was an insistent banging on the front door but Remus ignored it as he picked up his rag and continued to scrub crusted egg yolk off the walls. The ex-prince would tire eventually and go away with his royal entourage and leave him alone to go find a proper bride with an IQ that matched her shoe size.

In the mean time Remus had some cleaning to do. There was a mice problem in the Evans' home and the teen could swear the little rodents were stealing sewing supplies. Just what was the world coming to?

There was a rustling sound out back and Remus scowled, picking up the broom leaning against the kitchen table to shoo away any mice. "You better not be taking my good scraps of lace," he warned any thieving rodents as he opened the back door. "Prince Sirius?" he asked flatly at the young man who was caught in the bushes. "I thought I told you to leave." Maybe he should just hit _him _with the broom.

The ex-prince gave a sheepish grin, tugging on the outlandish red and gold jacket that had become ensnared in the bushes. "Well yeah, you did, I know," he began, nearly tripping over his feet as he became free. "But I _need _you to try on the shoe, James is my best mate and he's head over heels in love."

"With me?" Remus asked skeptically, his eyebrows nearly climbing to his hairline as he folded his arms across his chest.

The raven haired ex-prince gave a crooked grin that looked more roguish than charming. "Well, you could be," he said while holding up the shoe, although carefully out of Remus' reach.

The golden eyed teen rolled his eyes in annoyance. "And then will you leave me alone?" he asked tiredly, wondering how much it would cost to take a carriage to Hufflepuff. It couldn't be that much, really.

The young man nodded and Remus sighed while trying to snatch the shoe from the young man's hand. "Now what?" he snapped irritably as the shoe was taken out of his reach.

"Well, I have to do it," the ex-prince responded. "Hold out your leg." He bent down on one knee, waiting as the young maiden (awfully flat chested she was, the poor girl) lifted her apron and held out her slender foot clad in a slouching striped stocking.

Holding up the shoe grandly, Sirius waggled his eyes at the brunette before sliding the glass shoe on where it-

"Doesn't fit," Remus interrupted, wincing as his toes were pinched in the glass shoe. (And who made shoes out of glass anyway, honestly that was just silly.)

"No, no. It fits!" Sirius protested, jamming the shoe on because it had to fit. He had tried all the fair—and no so fair—maiden's in the land and she was the absolutely last one. James was going to have his head if he didn't return with his beloved. He grunted, ignoring the fair maiden's protest until finally the shoe popped on. "There!" he said triumphantly, ignoring the way the maiden's foot was contorted into a completely unnatural shape.

Remus would have rather cut off his toes so at least his foot had some space. "Well?" he asked dryly, wanting to take off the horrid shoe and throw it at the ex-prince's smug expression. Maybe this time he would aim for the teeth. "Can I go now?" He still had to find those thieving mice.

The ex-prince's expression melted into one of slight regret as he got up, still holding onto Remus' hand. "Uh, actually I can't do that."

"And why not?" Remus asked annoyed, trying to tug his hand out of the ex-prince's grip.

"Because now you have to marry the prince," the young man responded promptly. He didn't really care much for weddings but there was cake and a lot of wine so it wasn't all bad.

"What?" Remus asked outraged as he took an unsteady step back.

"If the shoe fits," the ex-prince said with a shrug, tugging the maiden towards the royal carriage parked in the front. "Now come on, your beloved is waiting."

Remus dug his heels into the ground. "I will do no such thing!" he snapped.

"Then I'm really sorry about doing this," the ex-prince said and before Remus knew what was going on something was pressed to his nose and soon he was feeling light headed. "I'm sure you'll thank me later, your future Highness."

Remus was barely rapidly losing conscious as he was hauled over the soon-to-be-ex-dead prince's shoulder and carried into a carriage.

Oh yeah, as soon as he was awake Remus was going to find the first carriage to Hufflepuff. Crazy delusional prince's and thieving mice be damned.


End file.
